The Polar Bear in the Room

My title of this entry won’t make sense to anyone else but me.  And that’s ok… well for me.. probably not for you.

So anyway.. I met the said polar bear online back in.. damn.. 1994 or 95..  back when half the world didn’t know what the internet was and the rest of us were looking at websites thru text browsers and there were no pictures.

For simplicity’s sake, I’ll say we met in a chat room and before long we were hot and heavy into netsex and eventually, tho i don’t know what year, into phone sex.

I’m not that kind of person that can keep things like that separate. For me, a bond grows. It gets emotional and we get connected.  At least on my side.  I could never tell how connected we were from his perspective.   I know he cared about me but he was able to keep the whole thing at arm’s length.  Maybe most guys can. I’ve not had much experience in that area.

From time to time there would be months, even years when our paths wouldn’t cross and we wouldn’t talk with each other, but when we’d end up finding each other again, it was like nothing had changed.

I fell for him time and time again.

I’ve almost always been single, so this relationship he and I had, was a big deal to me.  There were times when i would cry after phone sex. I couldn’t help it.  An emotional response to it all.  I always blamed it on allergies, but he’s a pretty smart guy.  I can’t imagine he ever believed me.

I don’t even know how he and I started talking because i was always so goofy and silly and obnoxious in that chat room and he wasn’t like that.  But maybe that’s why he liked me. He’s so fucking smart and god help me I find that sexy.

I saw a picture of him once. I think it may have been from his high school graduation. All i can remember is dark hair. I can’t picture him when i close my eyes, but I sure can hear his voice. I can close my eyes and hear him right now and i’ve got goosebumps all over my body.  When we’re having phone sex and he says my name and he gasps and groans and comes… i can think back and hear it and my stomach does flip flops.

One time, in all these years did we have an opportunity to meet up, but I was living with my parents at the time, still in college and they weren’t too thrilled about having a stranger come stay at the house.  So it never happened.  At the time, I think i was relieved, because while i may have been a vixen in the telephone sex sack, I was still a virgin and un experienced in all matters of sex.  I just watched and read a lot of porn.

So why is the polar bear in the room?  Because sunday night we had ourselves a phone call.  I think it had been 2 years since the last one.  and probably even longer before that one.

And now.. I can’t stop thinking about him.

the possiblities.

He just graduated with his phd and is looking for a teaching job. i work at a college. there are LOTS of great universities and colleges in my immediate area and I so want him to find a job and move here.

I want the opportunity to know him in every way that I can. the negative nancy in me is saying that’s just a pipe dream and that’s what it’s always been, but i can’t help but hope that this time, maybe this time… the stars will align and our paths will cross.

eharmony

so. i joined eharmony like a month ago.. didn’t start actually paying for it tho until last week. hey had a good deal for 3 months for $13 a month. that’s a steal compared to their advertised prices. So i thought what the hell, i’ll give it a shot.

within the first month i’ve been rejected by 109 men. That means, 109 men looked at my picture, read a bit about me and slapped a reject stamp across my forehead and closed the match. Two people have actually started communication with me. The first is 31. he sent me questions and I couldn’t answer right away, i couldn’t even see photos because you can’t until you’re a paying member. bUt then last weekend they had a free communication weekend so i quickly sent him a response the minute i could, and sent along my questions.

The firs step in communication is selecting 5 questions out of a list of about 40 to send to the match. these are the 5 questions i chose:

1. If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, how would you respond?
A: stay close to my date, letting him/her introduce me
B: find a spot at the back bar and relax alone, letting him/her work the room
C: strike out on my own, introducing myself and making friends
D: I would ask my partner if I could skip this particular event

2. On Saturday night, would you rather go to:
A: ballet/theater/symphony
B: a professional sporting event
C: a popular new movie
D: the latest dance club

3. If you could take a dream getaway, where would you most likely choose to spend a week?
A: Paris
B: Hawaii
C: hiking in the mountains
D: a cottage by the sea

4. Which sort of date sounds like the most fun to you?
A: attend a lecture on a topic that appeals to both of you
B: go bargain hunting at a local flea market or antique shop
C: go bowling
D: visit a local comedy club

5. If I had a bad day, what is the first thing you would do for me?
for me?
A: Cook you dinner
B: Rub your shoulders
C: Talk with you about your day
D: Take you out on the town

None of these questions are a deal breaker,  I’m just curious to the answers.  It helps get to know what kind of person they are.

then i sent my second set of questions:

1. If you had one day in your life to live over, which would you choose and why?
2. You mention in your profile that you enjoy theater and the arts and that you’ve seen Les Mis. What play or musical is your favorite and why? Have you had the chance to see it on Broadway? Which one do you want to see but haven’t yet?
3. How big is your extended family? What are the holidays like for you and your family?

and never heard back from him again.  It’s been nearly 2 weeks. I sent a nudge, where the system will remind them that they have questions waiting and it shows that he’s looked at my profile since, but no response.

I then decided i’d delete out all the ones that i really wasn’t interested in and then i sent 1st questions to all the rest. That was 25 men.  None of them have responded.  I cant tell you how fantastic that feels!!

so a few more days then i’ll go thru and close all those matches.. if they’re not interested i wish they’d just close the frickin match already.

ive hardly been getting any matches anymore.  i got one last night. was my first in about 4 days.I’m beginning to be very glad i didn’t shell out a shitload of money for this service.  Ill keep you updated.