i don’t feel like an adult.

I’ve been home for the past week and a half visiting my parents and family.  My vacation is over tomorrow and I have to head back to Maryland where I live and work.  Every time I come home I tell myself that I’m going to be strong and be brave and be a fucking adult and not cry when it’s time to go home…  but here I am, crying about it.  I’m sad about leaving my parents and family, about going back to my lonely life in Maryland.  I’m 36.. I shouldn’t be acting like this.   I suppose it boils down to being sad, lonely and unhappy with my life.  I really don’t know how to fix that.  I go to work, I come home and don’t speak to another person until i go back to work the next day.  90% of the friends I have in Maryland live about an hour away from me, and those that live nearby have spouses and children occupying their time.  I don’t have that.  I never had big ambitions for my life.. didn’t want to cure cancer or go to the moon, or be in the movies.. I just figured I’d go to school, get a job, get married and raise a family just like my parents did.

Talk about your epic fail.

It’s really hard to make friends when you’re in your 30s and single.

I sign up for classes but they’re full of old ladies or creepy old guys. I don’t go to bars and stuff like that…. and besides am I going to go hang out at a bar alone?  I don’t think so.

but the whole point of this is that I don’t feel like an adult.  I don’t think I act like one which is probably why i don’t think people treat me like one.. but i can’t figure out where i fucked up along the way.. what did I miss…or is is just my line of circumstances..  do people not treat me like an adult because they know I’m single with no kids, and i rent a two room apartment? are those same things why i still feel like a college student?

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