Archive for July, 2009

endangered species

July 19, 2009

well.. the bear and I have hardly spoken since the phone call.  So i guess that just goes to show how truly and spectacularly stupid i really am.

😦 i should  know better.

The Polar Bear in the Room

July 14, 2009

My title of this entry won’t make sense to anyone else but me.  And that’s ok… well for me.. probably not for you.

So anyway.. I met the said polar bear online back in.. damn.. 1994 or 95..  back when half the world didn’t know what the internet was and the rest of us were looking at websites thru text browsers and there were no pictures.

For simplicity’s sake, I’ll say we met in a chat room and before long we were hot and heavy into netsex and eventually, tho i don’t know what year, into phone sex.

I’m not that kind of person that can keep things like that separate. For me, a bond grows. It gets emotional and we get connected.  At least on my side.  I could never tell how connected we were from his perspective.   I know he cared about me but he was able to keep the whole thing at arm’s length.  Maybe most guys can. I’ve not had much experience in that area.

From time to time there would be months, even years when our paths wouldn’t cross and we wouldn’t talk with each other, but when we’d end up finding each other again, it was like nothing had changed.

I fell for him time and time again.

I’ve almost always been single, so this relationship he and I had, was a big deal to me.  There were times when i would cry after phone sex. I couldn’t help it.  An emotional response to it all.  I always blamed it on allergies, but he’s a pretty smart guy.  I can’t imagine he ever believed me.

I don’t even know how he and I started talking because i was always so goofy and silly and obnoxious in that chat room and he wasn’t like that.  But maybe that’s why he liked me. He’s so fucking smart and god help me I find that sexy.

I saw a picture of him once. I think it may have been from his high school graduation. All i can remember is dark hair. I can’t picture him when i close my eyes, but I sure can hear his voice. I can close my eyes and hear him right now and i’ve got goosebumps all over my body.  When we’re having phone sex and he says my name and he gasps and groans and comes… i can think back and hear it and my stomach does flip flops.

One time, in all these years did we have an opportunity to meet up, but I was living with my parents at the time, still in college and they weren’t too thrilled about having a stranger come stay at the house.  So it never happened.  At the time, I think i was relieved, because while i may have been a vixen in the telephone sex sack, I was still a virgin and un experienced in all matters of sex.  I just watched and read a lot of porn.

So why is the polar bear in the room?  Because sunday night we had ourselves a phone call.  I think it had been 2 years since the last one.  and probably even longer before that one.

And now.. I can’t stop thinking about him.

the possiblities.

He just graduated with his phd and is looking for a teaching job. i work at a college. there are LOTS of great universities and colleges in my immediate area and I so want him to find a job and move here.

I want the opportunity to know him in every way that I can. the negative nancy in me is saying that’s just a pipe dream and that’s what it’s always been, but i can’t help but hope that this time, maybe this time… the stars will align and our paths will cross.