January 24, 2011

it’s been a crappy week.  month.. maybe even year.. even tho it just started..   for 6 months or so i’ve been having heart palpitations.. they suck.. and are scary..  I spent my birthday in the emergency room because of them 😦  my friend meg stayed with me.. and invited me back to her house.. i’m so thankful for her and her family to welcoming me in and taking care of me.. that really turned a horrible birthday into a not so bad birthday…  m y primary dr said the palps were a side effect of a drug i was on.  i went to cardiologist, he said maybe it was, took me off the drug, put me on another, and scheduled me for a nuclear stress test.  that was jan 3.  no one’s called with any results yet, so i guess that’s a good thing and nothing is wrong.  I have an appointment with him tomorrow to find out for sure.    I am also going to have bariatric surgery, so i had to get the stress test done anyway.



I”m doing it again. I’m letting myself like someone who is.. out of my league.. out of bounds..  I keep doing this to myself.  I don’t know why… it only ends in heartbreak.. my heart..  it’s like a freaking curse.. and i keep telling myself to not feel like that about him.. not to let myself think about him.. not to see more than there is… not to want more than there is… i’ll push it to the point where he’ll have to be blatantly honest with me and tell me there’s nothing there, and that he’s not interested in me that way. it’s inevitable.   a speeding train that i can’t stop 😦


i don’t feel like an adult.

August 28, 2010

I’ve been home for the past week and a half visiting my parents and family.  My vacation is over tomorrow and I have to head back to Maryland where I live and work.  Every time I come home I tell myself that I’m going to be strong and be brave and be a fucking adult and not cry when it’s time to go home…  but here I am, crying about it.  I’m sad about leaving my parents and family, about going back to my lonely life in Maryland.  I’m 36.. I shouldn’t be acting like this.   I suppose it boils down to being sad, lonely and unhappy with my life.  I really don’t know how to fix that.  I go to work, I come home and don’t speak to another person until i go back to work the next day.  90% of the friends I have in Maryland live about an hour away from me, and those that live nearby have spouses and children occupying their time.  I don’t have that.  I never had big ambitions for my life.. didn’t want to cure cancer or go to the moon, or be in the movies.. I just figured I’d go to school, get a job, get married and raise a family just like my parents did.

Talk about your epic fail.

It’s really hard to make friends when you’re in your 30s and single.

I sign up for classes but they’re full of old ladies or creepy old guys. I don’t go to bars and stuff like that…. and besides am I going to go hang out at a bar alone?  I don’t think so.

but the whole point of this is that I don’t feel like an adult.  I don’t think I act like one which is probably why i don’t think people treat me like one.. but i can’t figure out where i fucked up along the way.. what did I miss…or is is just my line of circumstances..  do people not treat me like an adult because they know I’m single with no kids, and i rent a two room apartment? are those same things why i still feel like a college student?

“luxury apartments”

February 15, 2010

There really should be a set of guidelines to be able to advertise an apartment as “luxury.” I moved into a “Luxury Apartment” in May and I’m still looking for the luxury. I have discovered three things that one might consider luxurious. They are as follows: A refrigerator with ice maker, washer and dryer in unit, hardwood floors. A possible fourth could be the included microwave, but hello, it’s 2010 – MICROWAVES ARE AFFORDABLE NOW!! While I like all those features, I do not find them luxurious. I find them very common things found in most households which leaves me still searching for the luxury. Oh, I just remembered the dishwasher, however, it’s one of those smaller apartment sized ones so if you put more than 3 plates and 4 cups in, your dishes aren’t going to come out clean. A garbage disposal would have been nice, almost luxurious. How about a medicine cabinet or a programmable thermostat instead of one that just says on and off, or a garbage chute. I don’t feel very luxurious when i have to drag my trash down the stairs, around the corner, behind the building as I sink in the soggy grass wrestling with the garbage can I had to buy myself. That is, of course after I go thru the buidlings ONE EXIT thru a door that does not lock behind me. I would also like to mention, speaking of doors that do not lock behind me, that we are expected to keep the main door locked at all times. However, there are no doorbells, buzzers, or anyway to get in touch with anyone in the building if you are just stopping by or say, delivering chinese food. So consistently, you can hear people banging on the door. CLASSY AND LUXURIOUS!!!

The Best Fajitas EVER!

January 18, 2010

So here’s my super cool secret for awesome fajitas..

marinate your beef/chicken/shrimps in margarita mixer for about 4 hours…  can go longer but i feel it kinda dries the meat out.  also.. McCormicks fajita seasoning…   plus onions and peppers = the best fajitas ever!  It reminds me a little of the fajitas from ChiChi’s.   serve in flour tortillas with  your choice of toppings for an awesome dinner!


be there

October 6, 2009

dear polar bear,

you really cheered me up today. you have always been able to do that.  i wish you would find a teaching job around here. i wish you’d be there when i got home tonight.


endangered species

July 19, 2009

well.. the bear and I have hardly spoken since the phone call.  So i guess that just goes to show how truly and spectacularly stupid i really am.

😦 i should  know better.

The Polar Bear in the Room

July 14, 2009

My title of this entry won’t make sense to anyone else but me.  And that’s ok… well for me.. probably not for you.

So anyway.. I met the said polar bear online back in.. damn.. 1994 or 95..  back when half the world didn’t know what the internet was and the rest of us were looking at websites thru text browsers and there were no pictures.

For simplicity’s sake, I’ll say we met in a chat room and before long we were hot and heavy into netsex and eventually, tho i don’t know what year, into phone sex.

I’m not that kind of person that can keep things like that separate. For me, a bond grows. It gets emotional and we get connected.  At least on my side.  I could never tell how connected we were from his perspective.   I know he cared about me but he was able to keep the whole thing at arm’s length.  Maybe most guys can. I’ve not had much experience in that area.

From time to time there would be months, even years when our paths wouldn’t cross and we wouldn’t talk with each other, but when we’d end up finding each other again, it was like nothing had changed.

I fell for him time and time again.

I’ve almost always been single, so this relationship he and I had, was a big deal to me.  There were times when i would cry after phone sex. I couldn’t help it.  An emotional response to it all.  I always blamed it on allergies, but he’s a pretty smart guy.  I can’t imagine he ever believed me.

I don’t even know how he and I started talking because i was always so goofy and silly and obnoxious in that chat room and he wasn’t like that.  But maybe that’s why he liked me. He’s so fucking smart and god help me I find that sexy.

I saw a picture of him once. I think it may have been from his high school graduation. All i can remember is dark hair. I can’t picture him when i close my eyes, but I sure can hear his voice. I can close my eyes and hear him right now and i’ve got goosebumps all over my body.  When we’re having phone sex and he says my name and he gasps and groans and comes… i can think back and hear it and my stomach does flip flops.

One time, in all these years did we have an opportunity to meet up, but I was living with my parents at the time, still in college and they weren’t too thrilled about having a stranger come stay at the house.  So it never happened.  At the time, I think i was relieved, because while i may have been a vixen in the telephone sex sack, I was still a virgin and un experienced in all matters of sex.  I just watched and read a lot of porn.

So why is the polar bear in the room?  Because sunday night we had ourselves a phone call.  I think it had been 2 years since the last one.  and probably even longer before that one.

And now.. I can’t stop thinking about him.

the possiblities.

He just graduated with his phd and is looking for a teaching job. i work at a college. there are LOTS of great universities and colleges in my immediate area and I so want him to find a job and move here.

I want the opportunity to know him in every way that I can. the negative nancy in me is saying that’s just a pipe dream and that’s what it’s always been, but i can’t help but hope that this time, maybe this time… the stars will align and our paths will cross.

random survey

June 8, 2009

1. What bill do you hate paying the most? Comcast because baltimore city has a much better menu system and no one at comcast can actually give me a straight answer as to why the two systems are different.
2. Do you miss being a child? yes
3. Chore you hate the most? cleaning
4. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner? uh… i can’t remember one
5. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be? everything. absolutely everything.
6. Name of your first grade teacher? Mrs. Santini
7. What do you really want to be doing right now? curled up on the porch napping
8. What did you want to be when you grew up? a rock star
9. How many colleges did you attend? 1
10. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now? i was a in a purply kind of mood. Plus this shirt had recently been lost, then found.
11. What are your thoughts on gas prices? eh, whatever, it’s worse in england
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? wtf.. really?!?!
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?it was more of a mental sigh
14. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?George Clooney because he seems nice
15. Have you ever crashed your vehicle? yeah
16. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer? probably
17. Get up early or sleep in? definitely sleep in
18. What is your favorite cartoon character? Donald Duck
20. When did you first start feeling old? wtf, i’m not old!
21. Favorite lunch meat? Smith’s Bologna
22. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart? Toiletries
23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual no
24. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about? You k now, i don’t think there is one that i would care if ppl found out about. It’s just a movie. well.. except for all that porn i keep hidden in the vegetable crisper… 😉
25. What’s your favorite drink? Crystal light type stuff..
26. Who[m] from high school would you like to run in to? Heath!! He like, dropped off the face of the earth!
27. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? 90 point something.. some empty channel so i can play my ipod
28. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives? neither..
29. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back? letting my life get taken over
30. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work? no commento por favor
31. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purposes? no
32. Last book you finished reading?Coyote Blue by Christopher Moore, halfway thru The Stupidest Angle by the same author
33. Do you have a teddy bear? yes
34. Do you go to church? every sunday.. twice. o:)
35. How old are you? THIRTY AND FIVE!

bok bok

April 14, 2009

I visited my parents and family over the Easter holiday.  had a pretty good time. The drive was about 6 hours there, but i had my trusty stephanie plum books on the ipod so the time went by pretty fast.  I decided to bypass the turnpike and  just zig zag thru pennsylvania. I ended up on route 22/322 that followed the susquehanna river for awhile then snaked thru the country. It was a beautiful drive and I’m glad i was up and on the road early.

new apartment

new apartment

I got a call on saturday saying that i was approved for the new apartment i’d applied for – so yay!  i get to live in an old brothel.  you ahve to admit that’s pretty cool.  I’m trying to find some information on the history of the building and will share that as soon as i find something concrete.

broken fingerIn other news, i had to change my last pt session til this thursday. The finger i broke is still really stiff and hard to bend all the way. I’m not sure how long that will go on for.  I’m glad i can move it at all but i would like the pain to go away.


April 6, 2009

so. i joined eharmony like a month ago.. didn’t start actually paying for it tho until last week. hey had a good deal for 3 months for $13 a month. that’s a steal compared to their advertised prices. So i thought what the hell, i’ll give it a shot.

within the first month i’ve been rejected by 109 men. That means, 109 men looked at my picture, read a bit about me and slapped a reject stamp across my forehead and closed the match. Two people have actually started communication with me. The first is 31. he sent me questions and I couldn’t answer right away, i couldn’t even see photos because you can’t until you’re a paying member. bUt then last weekend they had a free communication weekend so i quickly sent him a response the minute i could, and sent along my questions.

The firs step in communication is selecting 5 questions out of a list of about 40 to send to the match. these are the 5 questions i chose:

1. If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, how would you respond?
A: stay close to my date, letting him/her introduce me
B: find a spot at the back bar and relax alone, letting him/her work the room
C: strike out on my own, introducing myself and making friends
D: I would ask my partner if I could skip this particular event

2. On Saturday night, would you rather go to:
A: ballet/theater/symphony
B: a professional sporting event
C: a popular new movie
D: the latest dance club

3. If you could take a dream getaway, where would you most likely choose to spend a week?
A: Paris
B: Hawaii
C: hiking in the mountains
D: a cottage by the sea

4. Which sort of date sounds like the most fun to you?
A: attend a lecture on a topic that appeals to both of you
B: go bargain hunting at a local flea market or antique shop
C: go bowling
D: visit a local comedy club

5. If I had a bad day, what is the first thing you would do for me?
for me?

A: Cook you dinner
B: Rub your shoulders
C: Talk with you about your day
D: Take you out on the town

None of these questions are a deal breaker,  I’m just curious to the answers.  It helps get to know what kind of person they are.

then i sent my second set of questions:

1. If you had one day in your life to live over, which would you choose and why?
2. You mention in your profile that you enjoy theater and the arts and that you’ve seen Les Mis. What play or musical is your favorite and why? Have you had the chance to see it on Broadway? Which one do you want to see but haven’t yet?
3. How big is your extended family? What are the holidays like for you and your family?

and never heard back from him again.  It’s been nearly 2 weeks. I sent a nudge, where the system will remind them that they have questions waiting and it shows that he’s looked at my profile since, but no response.

I then decided i’d delete out all the ones that i really wasn’t interested in and then i sent 1st questions to all the rest. That was 25 men.  None of them have responded.  I cant tell you how fantastic that feels!!

so a few more days then i’ll go thru and close all those matches.. if they’re not interested i wish they’d just close the frickin match already.

ive hardly been getting any matches anymore.  i got one last night. was my first in about 4 days.I’m beginning to be very glad i didn’t shell out a shitload of money for this service.  Ill keep you updated.